As a teen and young adult, navigating relationships and expectations with friends, family, or significant others can be challenging. Saying yes to everything may seem like a good way to make the people in your life happy. However, if you find yourself putting their happiness ahead of your own, you might be people-pleasing.
The "Yes" Trap: Why We People-Please and How to Reclaim Your Time
What is people-pleasing?
People-pleasing is a survival strategy driven by the concern that saying no, setting a boundary, or showing your true feelings will lead to someone being disappointed or angry with you.
People-pleasing behaviors look different for everyone, but may include:
- Saying yes to avoid upsetting someone
- Finding it difficult to say no, even when it’s inconvenient, uncomfortable, or harmful
- Avoiding conflict or over-apologizing to make others happy
- Ignoring your personal needs to focus on others
- Relying on others’ opinions of you to feel valuable or worthy
- Prioritizing the needs of others over your own
- Struggling to set and maintain clear boundaries
The negative impact of people-pleasing
While it’s okay to say yes when your parents ask you to do a chore or a friend needs help studying for a test, chronic people-pleasing can drain your energy and harm your mental health. If your energy is spent meeting others’ needs, you may struggle to take care of your own needs. It will be hard to perform well in school, manage your emotions, maintain a positive outlook, build confidence, and develop healthy relationships.
When you dedicate too much of your energy to others, you may lose sight of what you truly value and enjoy. This can lead to feelings of resentment; you’re doing everything for everyone else, yet it feels like no one is truly looking out for your needs.
You don’t have to become mean to stop people-pleasing. You simply need to start being honest with yourself and others. Below are some tips to help you set boundaries and balance others’ requests with your own needs.
Don’t say “yes” right away
When someone asks you for a favor, don’t respond immediately. Instead, tell them you’ll think about the request and will get back to them. This strategy buys you time to fully consider the request.
Check your “why”
Think about what you’re being asked to do and whether it aligns with your own needs. Consider asking yourself questions, such as:
- Am I interested in this?
- Am I feeling pressured to say yes to avoid upsetting someone?
- Do I have the energy for this?
- Do I have time to do this?
- Will this cause me stress?
- Are there others who can do this?
Answering these questions can guide you toward the best decision for your needs.
Practice saying “no”
Learning to say no is a valuable skill. It may feel uncomfortable at first, so practicing different ways to say it can help you feel more at ease. Some strategies include:
- Sandwiching the no between two positive or neutral statements to soften the blow without changing your answer (e.g. “That essay was tough. I can’t send my actual document, though — I’m worried about the teacher’s plagiarism checker. I’m happy to compare our assignments for a few minutes before class tomorrow if that helps.”)
- Offering a compromise when you genuinely want to help but can’t do exactly what they want (e.g. “I can’t study in person right now, but I’m happy to talk on the phone”). This shows you care while respecting your limits.
- Saying no without providing an explanation (e.g. “I'm not going to be able to make it tonight, but thanks for the invite!”). Providing excuses often gives the other person a chance to persuade you otherwise.
- Using “don’t” statements, which feel more permanent and powerful, instead of “can’t” statements (e.g. “I don’t go out on school nights”).
Use “I” statements
Starting a sentence with “you” can put the other person on the defensive. They stop listening to your boundary and start coming up with a way to push back. Instead, use “I” statements to clearly express how you feel or your current capacity to fulfill the request (e.g. “I feel overwhelmed, so I can’t do that right now”). “I” statements help you focus on your feelings and needs while reinforcing your personal boundaries.
Get professional help
If you struggle with saying no or setting boundaries, seeking help from a mental health professional can be beneficial. People-pleasing often serves as a shield against specific fears. A therapist can assist you in identifying those fears, exploring different approaches, cultivating self-compassion and self-worth, and providing tools to remain calm and level-headed when saying no.
You can reach out to the Center for Youth Mental Health at NewYork-Presbyterian to connect with a professional and access resources for establishing boundaries and developing healthier relationships.
When you begin saying "no," some people may react with surprise or frustration. This doesn't mean you did something wrong. True friends won’t leave you because you couldn’t drive them to the mall, finish a homework assignment, or cover a shift at work. The people who genuinely care about you want to know the real you, not the version that never says no.