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How Do I Talk to My Teenager About Suicide?

Mother speaking with her daughter
Mother speaking with her daughter

Suicide is a difficult topic to broach with anyone, including the young people in your life. Given that suicide is the second leading cause of death for youth 10-14 and the third leading cause of death for youth 15-24, there may come a time when a young person is confronted with the suicide of a peer, family member, or someone in the news. Your teen may even find themselves grappling with their own dark feelings, whether it’s because they’re struggling in school, experiencing conflicts with peers, or have been withdrawn and depressed. Initiating a safe, open line of communication about suicide can help them feel comfortable talking openly about their feelings. Let them know that you’re there to support them in getting help and gaining coping skills. Remember, as a caregiver or parent, it’s important to be aware of your own feelings and get informed about suicide and suicide prevention before starting these tough conversations so you can be in the best position to help.

One resource that is always available is the Suicide & Crisis Hotline, where a trained professional is available to talk 24/7 when you call or text 988. If you believe your youth is currently in danger of harming themselves, call 911 or take them to your nearest emergency room, or call or text 988 to connect them with a trained crisis counselor right away.

There are plenty of ways to help your teenager cope with suicidal ideation or the loss of a loved one or peer to suicide. Frequent and supportive, non-judgmental communication is a critical tool that can help them find relief and lead to treatment for distressing thoughts. To open up about such difficult feelings, a young person needs to feel safe and cared for by a trusted individual. Youth often fear that they’ll be judged, get in trouble, or have their privacy violated, so it’s important to address these issues proactively.

What is suicidal ideation?

Experiencing suicidal ideation, or thoughts centered around death and/or suicide, doesn’t necessarily mean someone is going to harm themselves. Some adolescents may fantasize about not waking up in the morning, or harming themselves by cutting or using drugs, because they don’t feel like there is a way out of their problems or they have seen it on social media or in their peer groups. According to the journal Psychiatric Services, young adults aged 18 to 25 have the highest likelihood of reporting suicidal ideation of any age group, at 7.2 %. Overall, 18% of children under 18 have had thoughts about suicide. The best way to support your struggling youth is to talk to them and connect them with a mental health professional before those thoughts worsen or translate into actions. But, you can’t do that without talking to them first and opening up the dialogue.

The two types of suicidal ideation

There are two main types of suicidal ideation: passive and active. If your teenager is experiencing passive suicidal ideation, they don’t have any specific plans to harm themselves at that moment. They may just be thinking about it as they struggle with feelings of hopelessness or depression. Signs include becoming more withdrawn, irritable, and/or moody, losing interest in their usual routines and activities, and not showing any interest in upcoming plans and their future.

Active suicidal ideation means that someone is making plans to harm themselves or end their lives at that moment. Warning signs that your teen is thinking about taking action to hurt themselves include giving away their belongings, writing a note, or exhibiting an uncharacteristic sense of ease and calm.

Talking to your teen when they are experiencing suicidal ideation

Do not wait for them to come to you: make a habit of talking with your teen about them and their mental health, even when they seem fine. While it may feel uncomfortable or a little bit awkward, being proactive about speaking with your teen about suicide will help open a safe line of communication, so their impulses don’t feel too taboo to share with you. They should know that there are several ways to get relief and support from mental health professionals, and that these thoughts are not permanent and do not make them bad or “broken”. If your child expresses a desire or plan to harm themselves, call 911 or take them to your nearest emergency room, or call or text 988 to reach a trained crisis counselor right away.  Assure them that you love them and care about them, no matter what type of thoughts they are having, and that getting medical assistance is for finding relief, not punishment. Treatment for suicidal ideation typically starts with an assessment and can lead to interventions such as intensive talk therapy, medication, or inpatient care in some cases. It is important they know there is hope, and there are plenty of options out there to help them feel better and live their best life. You should take the initiative to start these conversations, because they may not feel comfortable bringing up such difficult feelings. You can start the conversation with a simple, non-judgmental observation. “You don’t seem like yourself lately. Can you try to tell me about what you are feeling and what is going on?” Reiterate that asking for help is not a sign of weakness, but a sign of strength.

It's also important to be mindful of certain risk factors for suicidal ideation:

  • History of physical or sexual abuse
  • Problem with drugs or alcohol
  • Worsening depression or psychological difficulties
  • Being the victim of bullying in school
  • Family history of suicide or mental health disorders
  • Previous history of suicidal ideation or behaviors

When talking with your teen, make sure to truly listen, and try not to minimize or dismiss the distress they are feeling. It is critical that they feel that they are important and loved, supported, and safe. Let them know that there is help and that their pain will not last forever. They need to know that they are not alone and that you will be there to get them the help they need and deserve.

Talking to your teen when they’ve lost someone to suicide

Many young people first learn about suicide through the death of a peer, loved one, or even a famous person in the news. Create an open dialogue for your teenager to process these feelings and explain to them that mental illness is an illness just like any other. If your adolescent is not in therapy, and someone close to them dies by suicide, consider setting them up with a grief counselor or therapist, if only for the short-term, so they can talk about it and work through the loss in a safe, non-judgmental therapeutic space. But remember—not everyone is ready or willing to work through loss right away and give them time to get ready. Checking in to see if they need help and support is a good place to start in the first weeks and months following a loss.