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How to Set Boundaries in Toxic Friendships & Romances

Healthy relationships, whether romantic or platonic, can make you feel safe, energized, and like the best version of yourself. However, a toxic relationship does the exact opposite; it constantly drains your energy, leaving you feeling exhausted and ultimately causing emotional burnout.

The dynamics in toxic relationships create patterns that negatively affect your mental health and emotional well-being. Read below to better understand what toxic relationships look like, how to identify them in your own life, and ways to look out for yourself if you find yourself in a toxic relationship.

What makes a relationship toxic?

In healthy relationships, there is a balance of power where both people put in equal effort and everybody’s needs and interests are valued. In contrast, a toxic relationship features an imbalance of power and investment, where one person consistently prioritizes their own needs, moods, and control over another person’s feelings and boundaries.

In a toxic relationship, you might notice:

  • Imbalance in efforts and care: You feel like you’re always putting time and energy into the relationship and rarely getting support or consideration in return.
  • The tone of the relationship is more negative than positive: A toxic friend or family member may frequently make passive-aggressive comments, pass off criticism as a joke, or belittle your thoughts or ideas
  • Gaslighting: When you bring up a problem, the person flips it back on you. You end up apologizing for their actions, or they might tell you that you’re too sensitive or misremembering events.
  • Competitive sabotage, viewing your success as a threat to them and attempting to undermine or overshadow your achievements.
  • Monopolizing your time: The person subtly or overtly criticizes your other friends or family members, or pushes for you to spend most of your time with them.
  • Conditional Love and Support: The person is only kind to you when you are doing exactly what they want. If you succeed without them, they may act jealous or belittle your achievements.

Here are signs that a relationship is not just toxic, but has also turned abusive:

  • A more complete power imbalance develops between you
  • The relationship has isolated you from friends and family
  • One person in the relationship has financial control over the other
  • The person uses emotionally abusive language
  • The person uses physical aggression or control

Why they are harmful

As a teenager or young adult, your brain is actively "wiring" itself to handle intimacy and social connections for the rest of your life. Toxic relationships can lead to:

  • Increased stress, depression, anxiety, and a negative self-image
  • Feelings of being trapped, controlled, or dependent
  • A warped understanding of trust, affection, and self-worth
  • A pattern of unhealthy relationships in adulthood

Tips for addressing toxic relationships

Ending toxic relationships can be incredibly helpful for your long-term mental health and self-worth. However, figuring out how to create change or distance is rarely simple or quick. The tips below can help you get started.

Keep a mood log

Track how the person makes you feel after spending time with them. Use simple terms like “drained,” “anxious,” or “confused.” Seeing the pattern in writing can make it harder to ignore.

Set boundaries

Setting boundaries in a toxic relationship often revolves around controlling your own actions rather than trying to change the other person. Toxic individuals generally don't respect boundaries, viewing them as challenges to their control. To start setting boundaries, you might:

Practice limit setting around how much time or energy you put in the relationship (e.g., spend two hours with the friend instead of the entire day)

Allow yourself to limit your interactions via devices (e.g., you don’t have to answer every text immediately or pick up every call)

Know that “no” is a full sentence. Resist the urge to give excuses or extra information if somebody pushes back on a limit you set.

Share only low-stakes, surface-level information and avoid personal secrets

Create a physical buffer by meeting only in public places or with groups of people

Decide on a specific time to leave when spending time with them and stick to it

Build your support system

Toxic relationships thrive on isolation. Reconnect with individuals who make you feel stable—a sibling, a cousin, a different group of friends, or a teacher. Having an outside perspective helps you stay grounded in reality.

Seek professional help

Ending a toxic relationship is often more than just a breakup; it can feel like trying to untangle yourself from a web. While friends and family can provide support, a professional can offer specific tools that are difficult to develop on your own. They can help you identify invisible toxic patterns, offer neutral insight into negative behaviors, manage potential relapse, and assist in rebuilding your sense of self after leaving.

Additionally, mental health professionals are trained in risk assessment. If a toxic relationship has become abusive and you are concerned about your safety, a mental health professional can help. They can assist you in creating a safety plan, including where to stay when you leave, how to ensure digital security, and how and when to involve authorities, if necessary, in a way that keeps you safe.

If you think you might be in a toxic relationship, ask yourself: “Do I like who I am when I’m around this person?” If the answer is that you feel smaller, more anxious, or less confident than you used to be, it’s worth taking a step back to evaluate the relationship objectively.

If you or someone you know is in an unsafe relationship, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233 for expert support, reach out to a peer advocate with the One Love Foundation at 866-331-9474, use the chat service at loveisrespect.org for free, live, discreet, and confidential support specifically for young adults; or contact a peer advocate by texting 22522. If you or someone you know is in immediate danger, please contact your local emergency services by calling 911.